Choosing my addiction

It was only when I was on my third chocolate bar that I started to feel guilty about it.

It felt as if I'd woken up then, and looked at myself.  As if I'd sleep-walked up to that point with no real recollection of how I'd got there.  This was last Monday; a whole three months into my Low Carb plan and I'd cracked! A year ago this would have been no big deal.  I remember at one time actually stopping of at two separate shops, just so that the people serving me wouldn't do a double-take at all the chocolate I was buying....

Not that I was eating twenty bars at a stretch.  But I'd not think much about having maybe two or three bars on my drive home.  After a half-pound of jelly babies.  And maybe a can of Coke.

As I write this, I'm in the middle of a  full-on carbohydrate craving.  If anyone tells you that living Low-Carb is easy, then they've most likely not had much of an addictive personality. I'm not hungry because I've eaten plenty today, but: my mouth is watering, my stomach is churning, I feel listless and apathetic, I've been cold all day, and all I can think of is the notion that I could just pop in to a garage on the way home and pick up a pack of Maltesers. or a Snickers bar (or both) and ...  nobody would know.

I started smoking at 16, and I gave up when I was 19, 21, 25, 27, 32 and 36.  The last time was about the longest, but I still had the odd smoke. Usually when I was drunk enough not to care.  I think it's only in the last 6 months that I've been completely smoke free, and the other week is the first example I can think of where I saw somebody light up a Regal and didn't feel the urge to scrounge one.

I can honestly say that I've found giving up sweets and chocolate much harder than giving up the smokes.  Of everything I've given up recently I'd say alcohol was the easiest by a country mile.  I used to have a daily glass of cider just to celebrate being home, but now I don't even entertain the idea, and I don't miss it in the least..

But chocolate.  That's the thing for me.  And the sad fact is, I know how harmful it is.  I know what sugar does to my insides, how it gets stored as fat, and how it leads to diabetes and - well.  I like my feet and would much rather not have them amputated.   I'm really not ready to lose them just yet for the sake of a daily Cadbury's fix.  But it doesn't make it any easier.

It was grandma for me.  Her twice-weekly visits were always heralded by a bag of sweets. usually quite a big bag.  Pick and Mix from Woolworths!  She used to look after me a lot and I loved her to bits.  Over the years I've come to associate candy as part of affection, and affection as part of candy.

And that's exactly how it feels to go without.  It feels like - on some level - my treats have been taken away as if I'm being punished.  Which makes me feel bad.  After all, if even I don't let my inner child have the sweets it wants, then who else will?

So, beating the sugar addiction is a chore of unpicking the life-long relationship I've developed with treats.  I've got to completely re-learn how to reward myself, how to put something off. How to say no to myself without feeling it as a loss.  And it's also something I've got to do alone.

There are no AA programmes for sherbet craving. No methodone for people who can't face the night without a Crunchie.  As far as I know, there's no patch available to help me stop thinking about liquorice allsorts.  And when somebody tries to tempt me (with all the best intentions) all I can do is feebly remind them I'm "on a diet"

I'm NOT on a f**king diet!  I'm recovering from an addiction which you don't even know exists and the last thing I want to do is justify myself to yet another person who rolls their eyes in mock sympathy.

I'm no longer out to "lose weight." My weight can take care of itself.  What I'm doing now is more serious than that.  If you want to know more, I suggest you start with this excellent article by Gary Taubes  in the New York Times which discusses the toxicity of sugar.

PS - I did manage to drive home yesterday without giving in to the temptation. Every garage I passed, every corner store, was a fresh decision not to give in.  I'm still having to take this an hour at a time.  Right now I know that my colleague has left a Mars bar in the drawer.  But I'm NOT going to touch it.  I'm going to be like the good children in the famous Marshmallow Experiment and imagine it's not there.

Because I'm a good boy.  And I will be good.

Even if I don't get a treat today.