Not Yet, Minister

With apologies to Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn

CAST:

SIR H   - SIR HENRY - A Civil Servant (See note)

SBAINES - SIMON BAINES MP – Minister of State for Health

CLIVE - CLIVE REDMUND – SIR Henry's PA

(NOTE - For international readers, Civil Servants are government employees. In this role Sir Henry is an adviser to the Health Minister. Unlike the system in the USA, Sir Henry will have worked in the same department for many years (often a lifetime). These staff are unelected but often highly politically aware, advising their political masters on policy for the good of the country. They will remain in office regardless of which party is voted into government, and are therefore seen as politically neutral. 

MP, by the way, stands for Member of Parliament.  These are our elected leaders.)

Background. This play is set six weeks after a general election, in which a new government minister has taken over and is starting to find his feet. However, he still has a lot to learn before he will be ready for the responsibilities of Office...

INT. DAY. AN OFFICE. THERE IS A HEAVY OAK DESK, ON WHICH IS A COMPUTER TERMINAL, AN INTERCOM UNIT, A PHOTOGRAPH OF MARGARET THATCHER AND A SMALL PILE OF PAPER AND BOOKS.

AT THE DESK IS A MAN IN HIS FIFTIES. IT IS SIMON BAINES MP.

*SOUND – A BUZZER. (SBAINES answers his intercom)

SBAINES: Ah, Henry, Can you come in a moment, please?

SIR H: Right away Minister.

(The door opens instantly. As if SIR H had been standing behind it the whole time)

SIR H: How may we help you Minister?

SBAINES: Yes, thank you, Henry. I'd like you to call a press conference. Soon as you like.

SIR H: Certainly, Minister. Will that be local, national -

SBAINES: Local?

SIR H : Forgive me, Minister, I was simply wondering at which level you would be addressing-

SBAINES: Well, bloody national, I'd say. International would be more like it.

SIR H: Very good, Minister. I'll notify Communications directly. Do you have your leak?

SBAINES: My what?

SIR H: Your leak sir? You did say you were planning to hold a press conference?

SBAINES: Yes that's right.

SIR H: In that case, Minister, it is traditional to share your report with the press.

SBAINES: I will. That's what the press release is for.

SIR H: Forgive me, Sir. But I'm afraid the press function at a rather different pace. They cannot report the news as it happens. That would be far too late.  They are simply too pressed for time.

SBAINES: Sorry?

SIR H: It's all about breaking the news, Minister. None of them can afford to be last, so to make things fair for all concerned, we provide brief summaries of the upcoming release. That way they can write their back stories, find sound-bites from opposition members, dig out some -

SBAINES: I'm sorry, Henry. Did you say we need to leak the press release so that the media can have a chance to let the other side drag it through the dirt before I've even announced it?

SIR H: Yes, Minister. That is precisely the case. Due to post-Wapping cutbacks, there simply aren't enough bodies to do all the research on the fly. And the public simply won't wait for them to get their homework done. The moment you stand up there to deliver your speech, the news must have already been written, editorialised, packaged and edited ready for the lunch time news.

SBAINES: (gloomy) I see.

SIR H: Excellent, Minister. Now, can you let me know what it will be about? We'll have Clive draft up a memo.(Calls behind him) Clive?

CLIVE (also enters impossibly quickly) Yes, Henry?

SIR H: Ah, Clive. Be a brick and take a memo would you? The Minister is feeding the pack.

CLIVE: Of course, Henry. (addresses SBAINES) What is it going to be about?

SBAINES: (frowns momentarily) The health of the nation.

CLIVE: (pulls out a very worn pencil and pad. Writes incredibly slowly) The... Health... Of...

SBAINES: (Impatient) The nation. Yes.

CLIVE: The... Nation.

SBAINES: Yes.

SIR H: And are we including Scotland, Minister?

SBAINES: Sorry?

SIR H: Scotland, Minister. Are we including it?

SBAINES: In what?

SIR H: The Nation.

SBAINES: Well. Yes. I should think. It is part of the nation, isn't it?

SIR H: (Slightly embarrassed laugh) Well that rather depends on which point one is attempting to make, Minister. We like to think of Scotland as ballast.

SBAINES: Sorry?

SIR H: Well, Minister. If we were addressing the rate of coronary heart disease in the country, we would be likely to quote figures which exclude the Scottish quota. But if we were making that too much money is being spent...

SBAINES: Quite.

SIR H: Indeed, Minister.

SBAINES: Well this is bigger than that, anyway. (gestures towards the small pile of books.) I've been reading.

SIR H: Really, Minister?

SBAINES: Well don't sound so bloody shocked. Here. Look at this (hands a book over to SIR H)

Do you know what it is?

SIR H: (Says nothing. Glances at the cover before turning it to show CLIVE. He and CLIVE exchange a knowing look)

SBAINES: Clearly you do know what it's about, otherwise you wouldn't be holding it as if it were a box of soiled nappies.

SIR H: Let us just say that we are not great fans of fiction, Minister.

SBAINES: Fiction my bloody arse! Have you actually read that book? Do you know what it says?

SIR H: Shall we agree to say, that I have been briefed on its contents, Minister?

SBAINES: (Points a finger at the book. Raises his voice) Then you'll know what this bloody press conference is going to be about!

SIR H: Ah.

SBAINES: Yes – “Ah!” It's all bloody lies, isn't it? Everything we've done/

SIR H: Well, that rather depends on your definition-

SBAINES: Like hell it does! Seven million people on statins! [3]

SIR H: That does make seven million people who aren't having heart attacks, Minister.

SBAINES: Saturated fat causing heart disease?

SIR H: (uncomfortably) It is rather the accepted wisdom, Minister.

SBAINES: Is it? (picks up another book and waves it in the air) Is that the same accepted wisdom that says eating five portions of fruit and veg a day will stop you getting cancer? Or that, if you want to get slim, you've got to stop eating fat and eat more fruit? Or the idea that the way to get our kids thin again is to get them playing more sport?

SIR H: They are rather entrenched...

SBAINES: They're bloody lies!

SIR H: Not exactly lies, Minister. More.... Outmoded information.

CLIVE: Pre molecular assumptions.

SIR H: Old Wives Tales

CLIVE: Traditional Folklore

SIR H: Part of the heritage

SBAINES: Utter crap! We've only been peddling this clap trap since the seventies! I want answers! I want the nation to know the truth.

SIR H: (nervous laugh) Surely, Minister. You're not planning to go... public with this?

SBAINES: I bloody well am. Remember MMR?

SIR H: Is that wise, Minister?

SBAINES: Of course it's wise! We're looking at thousands of avoidable deaths every year! We've got 3 million diabetics in the country, Henry. 400 new cases every day. And do you know how many of those are type 2?

SIR H: The actual number, Minister? I can have Clive -

SBAINES: 9 out of 10 of them! 90 percent! ALL avoidable – if we simply tell people the truth!

SIR H: (waits for calm to return) And if we told the truth, Minister. Who do you think they would blame?

SBAINES: What?

SIR H: I merely wonder, Minister, who you believe would be held to account?

SBAINES: Well – it depends how far back it goes, doesn't it? I mean whose idea was it to put six hundred and fifty thousand of our children on Ritalin? Do you know how many were on the same drug in 1990? Go on. Guess?

(there is a long pause.)

CLIVE: Half that?

SBAINES: Half? Go and Google it, man! It's what you do with everything else.

(CLIVE turns to walk out of the room)

SBAINES: Stay here man. I was being rhetorical.

CLIVE: Indeed, Minister.

SBAINES: If you must know, it was nine thousand..

CLIVE: Nine, Minister?

SBAINES: Yes. Nine thousand. Not ninety. That's a bit of a wow factor, isn't it? Seventy odd times higher. Now – for bonus points, how about you do some proper research?

CLIVE: Minister?

SBAINES: Sic million families sit down to Frosties for breakfast, Clive. I wonder how many it was back in 1990? Can you find out? I'll bet you my left show it was about seventy times less.

SIR H: Fewer.

SBAINES: What?

SIR H: Nothing, Minister. I was just thinking out loud.

SBAINES: Well thinking's what we've not been doing much of, by the look of things, Henry.

SIR H: Quite, Minister. But as I said before – we really do need to address the issue of culpability.

SBAINES: Well I blame the drug companies. And the blessed vitamin companies. And the so called Health food manufacturers. I suggest we string the lot of them up. I mean- whose idea was it to let drugs manufacturers sell to NHS trusts and advertise to patients in hospital wards?

SIR H: I'm afraid it's a little more complicated than that, Minister.

SBAINES: Yes. It would be.

SIR H: Minister. This is the Ministry of Health.

SBAINES: I'd noticed. It said so on the door.

SIR H: And it's our job to safeguard the medical interests of the nation.

SBAINES: Exactly.

SIR H: And for the last thirty years, we've been issuing information which has, in fact, turned out to unhelpful – perhaps even harmful – to the public.

SBAINES: No perhaps about it.

SIR H: Exactly, Minister. So I must pose the same question again – If we do decide to go public with this – exactly who will be held responsible?

SBAINES: Well, does it matter?

SIR H: When the public start asking who is to blame, Minister, the inevitable conclusion of that line of thought is – from whom should we claim?

(There is a pause)

SBAINES: Sorry?

SIR H: You can imagine the outcry, Minister. The press would have a field day.

CLIVE: They'd string us up

SIR H: They'd want their pound of flesh.  if you'll pardon the expression.

CLIVE: They'd want blood

SIR H: They'd want compensation.

(Another pause)

SIR H: All those bereaved families. They would be angry. They would fee... cheated.

SBAINES: Quite.

SIR H: And the credibility of the department... (looks at his shoes)

SBAINES: Yes...

SIR H: We would not... survive, Minister.

SBAINES: Yes.

(Another very long pause)

SIR H: And the information is already out there, Minister. It's not as if this is a greatly kept secret. Anyone can pop into their local library and pick these books off the shelves.

CLIVE: Yes. But we're working on that.

SIR H: Indeed. But in the mean time. We allow the information to be read whilst simultaneously issuing denials, and – of course- ridiculing, denying and alienating anyone who sticks their head... above the parapet., as it were.

SBAINES: Is that a threat?

SIR H: (warm smile) But of course not, Minister. I am just merely expressing a concern that it would be a great pity to see such a promising career cut short.

CLIVE: That's right, Minister. Nobody likes cuts.

SIR H: Shush, Clive.

CLIVE: Very good.

(Another long pause)

SBAINES: But it's all so bloody well... underhanded.

SIR H: It's government, Minister.

SBAINES: Yes. (pause) I suppose so.

SIR H: Shall I have these books taken out for you Minister?

(The longest pause at all. The sort of pause you could drive a bus though)

SBAINES: Yes. Alright, Henry.

SIR H: Very good, Minister. I suggest a cup of tea. You have the representative from Unilever in the foyer. Shall I send him through?

END